Things I Bought While I Was Insane

A short list of stuff I purchased on the advice of "Prepper Reddit" after I had a baby

A friend of mine recently told me about a fun trend on TikTok where people with Bipolar-I disorder share what they bought while they were manic.

While I’m not bipolar or on TikTok, I was able to relate to this because 1) there is still plennnnnnnty up with me, mentally, and 2) I’ve bought a bunch of things I don’t need in what we’ll call a “similarly heightened state.”

I’ll tell you all about it, so you can laugh at me, or buy this stuff too if you’re also a big, anxious dope with a head full of crème brûlée.

Let me quickly explain: I was born during a period of extended nuclear tension, when the person responsible for our fraught role in fragile geopolitics was a man who called his wife “Mommy.” I went on to give birth to all three of my children between 2017 and 2020, a time you might remember for such events as a “global pandemic” and “the leader of the free world bothering Kim Jong-Un at 3 AM on Twitter.”

I also had clinical postpartum anxiety, which, if you don’t know, is a temporary condition some people experience after childbirth characterized by constant, intrusive worry. My particular flavor of PPA took the form of “being super freaked out about nuclear and other large-scale disasters.” It was definitely outside of the realm of “normal,” but, ah, my friends… so were the times.

This led me to, of course, Prepper Reddit, which led me to Amazon dot com, where I bought a bunch of hilariously paranoid, dumb shit that I found on Internet lists like “Bug-Out Essentials” and “Life After There Are No More Hospitals” and “What You’ll WISH You Bought While Your Family is Doing the Breast Stroke in Boiling Liquid Magma After All the Volcanoes Explode.”

I eventually got treatment for PPA and learned along with the rest of us to numb myself to the never-ending horrors. But not before spending real, green money on things that men named CobyInTheDakotas said would be the only things keeping my family from being turned into Walton Goggins on that show where he doesn’t have a nose.

Please note, I would neverrrrr minimize mental illness and encourage everybody going through something similar to get some good help instead of making a bunch of ha ha’s about it. I’m able to (figuratively) “look back and laugh” only because, while I no longer have PPA, I remain very broken and only able to process things through humor. Also, it was very temporary, and I never went fully HAM on large-ticket items like a generator or gas masks for dogs.

Below is what I bought during the times I was at my most hormonally bonkers, most of which is lost to time, although my husband will still occasionally find something in the cupboard and yell things like, “Hey, what is dehydrolized peanut meal replacement? Can I still eat it?” when we don’t have dessert in the house. The important thing is, I’m “fine” now (ha), and I understand that if civilization ever does collapse, a bunch of assorted crap bought at vast carbon expenditure will likely not protect me.

Please enjoy the fruits of my afflicted idiocy. Here we go.

Potassium Iodide Pills

A lot of legit authorities on nuclear preparedness endorse these, which can prevent your thyroid from taking on radiation following a nuclear event. In fact, the CDC has a whole page on their use. The CDC also says they “aren’t recommended for people over 40.” I assume this is not because of any medical reason, but because the horny who work in public health want their post-apocalyptic America repopulated by hotties and hardbodies. Well, fuck you, CDC. I bought them, they’re mine.

Clotting Gauze

Okay, this one I still keep in my glove box. This is wound dressing treated with a powder that can stop excessive bleeding while you wait for medical assistance, and an EMT friend told me it was not an unsensible thing to keep in one’s car. But of course, that’s not what I was imagining using it for when I bought it, which was “to stanch my wounds after someone shot me in order to get at my supply of vacuum-sealed, extended shelf-life rice.”

20 Pounds of Vacuum-Sealed, Extended Shelf-Life Rice

See above.

A LifeStraw

One time, at an old job, we were discussing something in the news about a guy who was lost in the woods for several weeks, and was contemplating using the last flare in his emergency kit to end his own life, just as rescue miraculously arrived. This led to a lively discussion of how long each of us felt we could last in the woods before we “gave up.” My boss, Howard, walked in and someone said, “Hey, Howard. How long would you last in the wilderness before you iced yourself with a flare gun?” to which Howard instantly replied, “Twenty minutes.” He was not joking. I think about this every day. Anyhow, a LifeStraw is supposed to allow you to drink creek water without ingesting bacteria or parasites, although the idea of me even getting as far as “a creek” after LA exploding is sort of hilarious.

Walkie Talkies

Preppers advise getting these so you can maintain contact with your family members when the “grid” goes down. I have no idea where these went, but it’s worth noting that, for my husband, the number one upside of nuclear war would be not having to hear me talk.

A Hacksaw

Okay, this is admittedly one of my most “uh-oh” purchases, sanity-wise. But it’s also one that has an actual, practical use -- you don’t have to wait until the end of the world to even out the legs on that wobbly coffee table! I didn’t do that, though. Ha ha, imagine me using tools. A hacksaw, along with some bolt cutters, IS good to have on hand if your family is trying to get into the basement of a Cold War-era elementary school in order to use its superior fallout shelter. However, it is NOT good to have in plain view in your SUV trunk if you get pulled over by the police for rolling that one stop sign on Franklin. :(

Way Too Many Contact Lenses

There are a lot of reasons I will not do well in an “extinction-level event” scenario. One of them is that I can’t even assemble of those little pop-up tents with Buzz Lightyear on the side without crying. The other is that I am so nearsighted that I am essentially blind. Some preppers advise you to make sure you’d have everything you needed if you couldn’t just tootle your coddled ass down to a pharmacy. So, in addition to stockpiling antibiotics (which is—blessedly—hard to do, even in our era of deregulation and paranoia reinforcement), they advise having extras of everything you usually buy on an as-need basis. I know you’re thinking, “If the shit went down, couldn’t you just wear your glasses?” and the answer is, “No. I look weird in them.”

Headlamps in Adult and Kids Sizes

No clue where these are.

Advanced Emergency Dental Repair Kit

Lost it immediately.

Gross of 144 Water-Resistant Bic Lighters

Ditto.

A Four Day Pre-Packed Emergency Kit for a Family of Five Containing Enough Food, Water, Shelter, First-Aid and Hygeine Items to Last a Week of “Sheltering in Place”

Yeah, I put this the garage, where a huge bottle of bubble solution immediately fell on and destroyed it, which I didn’t discover until way later when we were moving and it had solidified into a giant clump of soap and powdered food. Would have been a real bummer to find that out as the Cascadia fault ruptured, causing most of the West Coast to fall into the sea.

A HUGE Bottle of Conditioner

In a nuclear scenario, the first thing you’re supposed to do (after getting to a safe place) is take off your clothes, take a shower, and put on a clean outfit, to get rid of any particulate on your body. You’re categorically NOT supposed to put conditioner on, as this can keep particulate from washing off. I read this wrong and thought you were supposed to put a ton of conditioner on. A fun part about Prepper Reddit is all the slang, one example of which is “Golden Horde,” which refers to all the people who are not prepared coming to beg things off the preppers with nothing to trade. But what if the preppers have dull hair and split ends? Who’s unprepared now?

NB: Hi! Pregnancy related mood disorders are real and they suck. If you think you have one, you can always call or text the ⁠National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), which is free and confidential.